"Someday" Funday: Is Anybody Actually Good?

 

A Thai Proverb once uttered, "Confusion is a chicken with shattered eyes." 

There is no better saying that better illustrates the absolute absurdity that is the 2021 college football season to date. Never before have I been so confused/frustrated/intrigued about anything in my life since puberty and school wide talks about our "changing bodies". Why is my voice deeper? Why has no team ascended to elite status? Does everybody have hair down there? Is the Big Ten a dumpster fire? These questions are are all one in the same in that answers will eventually come.

Now I had written a long down out article with the usual jabs about whatever Big Ten West team decided to shit the bed this past week but upon doing so ran into the overarching question that this article is titled as, "Is Anybody Actually Good" this year? As I dove into this dilemma head on I released the entire landscape is rife with inconsistency. Not even the transitive property, which we know is 99.9999% accurate about everything in college football, is true this year. Seriously, give me a team and I'll cast doubt on them. "Oh Georgia and Alabama are the class of college football Alec what are you talking about!?" Really? Georgia failed to score a TD against a reeling Clemson team that just lost to NC State who lost to the swashbuckling Bulldogs of Mississippi State lead by the Pirate Mike Leech. " But still Alec, Alabama is Alabama." Why? The Tide make a claim to #1 by beating a Miami team that lost by damn near the same margin to a Michigan. St squad whose O/U win total going uno the year was 5.5, and the Tide almost lost to a Florida team whose QB room is in shambles. "Well Notre Dame is undefeated." Yeah, they beat a still winless Florida. St team who also has an FCS loss on their resume, barely beat a Toledo team at home who turned around and lost by 18 to a horrible Colorado. ST team at home, and sneakily hid a much closer game than the score would indicate win against a Wisconsin team who trots out a 5 star Elite 11 PUMPKIN at QB every week. Not to mention now the University has a major PineCoan problem at QB. So please, try me.

ND's PineCoan dilemma. Which will start for ND against Cincinnati

Upon realizing all of this I decided to mesh the power rankings with the funday article this week and will shine pessimism and optimism if warranted on every Big Ten team with 1/3 of the season over with. I hope you have a flashlight because darkness abounds...

1.  #4 Penn. St

Why have they jumped the Hawkeyes? well because the AP poll says so. Seriously no other reason exists. Is this really the #4 ranked team in the country? They are bouyed by wins over Wisconsin (insert pumpkin) in a game where they racked up just over 200 yards and Wisconsin had 3 redzone turnovers, and Auburn at home. Auburn looked like a great win until they had to come from behind against Georgia State last week at home to pull off a squeaker. Is this defense actually better than last years knowing the competition it's faced thus far is far from average? I don't know, but we'll soon have answers after the next two weeks as the Nittany Lions host Indiana and then head to Iowa. Or will we?

2. #5 Iowa

As an Iowa fan, I know that the Hawkeyes will never win because they have a great offense, but rather when they have great defense and special teams. Special teams is a surefire strength that can't be argued but can the defense? No of course not! this Hawkeye squad is ranked third in scoring defense and top 10 in yards per play. They benched both IU QB Micheal Penix and Iowa. St's Brock Purdy in what looked at first like sure fire validation to the Hawkeyes being contenders. However, since then both the Hoosiers and Cyclones have lost football games and sit at 2-2 and are no longer ranked. The defense still dominated but the offense... thats different.

 Iowa's offense ranks 109 in total yards per game... Thats atrocious. This team has major problems up front right now which can rarely be said of Kirk Ferentz coached teams. Look no further than the 59 yard rushing performance the offense put up against lowly Colorado. St on Saturday and the fuse that could blow up the season for them is easily identifiable. 

3. #11 Ohio. St

My God where do you start with this team. The defense actually sucks. They have been torched on the ground by most of the teams they have played this year and when they finally held up against the rush 2 weeks ago against Tulsa they gave up 428 through the air! On top of all the defensive issues, they have a starting QB hurt which assuredly will open up a QB controversy down the road and oh yeah, they have this...

If you didn't see it, Ohio. St linebacker K'Vaughan Pope tried to run on the field in a sub package for the defense only to be waved off. When he returned to the sideline he promptly through his gloves into the stands and tried to rip his jersey off. He was unsussful of course because Ohio. St linebackers can't "tackle" even the simplest of tasks this year and was escorted to the locker room where he so elaborately wrote the above soliloquy. I really appreciate the creativity used in the spelling of the first word. Masterful.

4. #14 Michigan

"Alec, Michigans rushing offense has been dominant this year! Surely that can be sustained." I fell for Harbaugh's tricks to start the year as well. Sure they put up impressive performances against Western Michigan, Northern Illinois and Washington. But that was against Western Michigan, Northern Illinois and Washington. The truth is, this team can't pass the football. Im on the record as saying I love Cade McNamara's grit but he is not enough. The first good defense Michigan faced this year against Rutgers (which sounds weird as hell itself) proved difficult for the Wolverine ground game. They registered a W in the win column however which still is all the counts. Can they win in Maddison Saturday though against the #1 ranked rush defense in the country? It's going to be one hell of a rock fight. Wait no it's not. In order to have a rock fight you need to be capable of throwing the rock!

5. #17 Michigan State

Surely Sparty is good right? They boast a 5-0 record behind a stout defense and the third leading rusher in the country in Kenneth Walker III. Are the reasons for pessimism when looking at this team under a microscope? You bet you ass there are! 

Two glaring reasons why this team may not be what their ranking suggests are #1, lets take a current look at how tough that Miami Hurricanes team is right now...

#2, they were out gained 442-254 to a middling Nebraska team and only won because in true Nebraska style, Scott Frost subbed in the backup punter who proceeded to punt a directional punt the exact opposite direction the coverage was set for. here it is.

A very predictable result but still, you can't be dominated by Nebraska and also be considered good.

6. Maryland

Jesus is this team about to be #1 in the Big Ten next week after they beat Iowa? The fact that there is even an ounce of merit in that question shines light on whether anybody in the Big Ten is good or not. MARYLAND?!?! A team coached by the losingest coach in D1 football?!?! Sure they beat West Virginia and Illinois... But they beat WEST VIRGINIA and ILLINOIS! The saddest thing about this whole situation is that Tua's little brother is undoubtedly the best QB in the Big Ten. Lets double check just to make sure.

Big Ten West QB's:

Big Ten West teams trying to hide their QB play

And the East was highly rated coming in but nobody other than Tagoviola has been constantly good. Who knows, maybe they destroy the Hawks on Friday and we finally have a good team. Lot's of optimism for Terps fans coming into the game as they have an 0-22 record against ranked Big Ten foes since joining the conference. Fear the Turtle Hawkeyes.

The Rest.

My God the one thing that is certain this year is that every team mentioned in this grouping is capable of being absolute garbage on any given day. 

Wisconsin: Refer to Graham Mertz being a Pumpkin. At least he has sick merch?

Kids, let this be lesson to never start trying to sell something before you have a product to sell

Heres the link to the website. Its actually unreal how far from reality this dudes mind has gone.

https://grahammertzshop.com/

Purdue: They beat Oregon. St and stomped Illinois 13-9

Indiana: Micheal Penix loves pick sixes.

Rutgers: Playing better but at the end of the day... Dude... They're Rutgers.

Minnesota: When you lose to a Bowling Green team at home who hasn't won beaten a power 5 school in three years you have major issues. Also when your coach goes for it on 4th and two at your own 28 second quarter and then blames the entire day on a receiver getting hurt early... I'd say that ship has sunk. Also Tanner Morgan completed 5 passes.

Northwestern: They beat Ohio which is actually the worst thing they could have done because whenever the Cats lose to a MAC team at the start of the season... look out. 

Nebraska: Scott Frost continuing his novel "How to Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory: A Nebraska Football Story". And they lost to the team that lost to the road runners.

Illinois: Yep.

There you have it. A detailed look into the absolute glory that is Big Ten Football this year. My aren't we blessed. Here are the standings of the league going into week 5 and if you thought Big Ten West quarterbacks were bad, the league performance in week 4 damn near matched it. More on that in the future and as always WRBL marches on.

Evan went 1-9 for 4 points😂